Have you ever been really inspired with a great idea for you and your husband to spend quality time together only to have it blow up into a big fight? Maybe afterwards as you were sitting alone reviewing the events that had transpired you wondered, “What does my husband need from me”?
No matter how “head over heels” you are for this man, depending on your ability to love him is not enough. It does not matter how ideal your relationship is in the first few weeks or months of marriage. Once life begins to happen there may be times you start to feel rejected, frustrated, even isolated or alone.
It is very important during these times to resist becoming angry, distant or emotionally abusive. While that is easy to say, living it out is quite difficult. The apostle Paul shows us in Galatians 5 the two clear choices that we have. We can either walk in the flesh or walk in the Spirit. There is nothing else. My ability to consistently express my love to my husband depends on whether or not I am walking in the Spirit.
When you choose to walk in the flesh (when you choose your own ability to love) you will not be able to love your husband! Read on though, the fruit of the Spirit is love. God’s perfect love. Joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, long-suffering, self-control – all of those qualities we desire in our spouse, and our spouse desires from us are freely available through the person and working of the Holy Spirit.
What is your source of love?
It cannot be your spouse. Even if he is the best, most godly man walking the face of this earth, he cannot be your source of love. Great communication, passion, chemistry, sexual attraction, etc are wonderful aspects of the marriage relationship, but they are absolutely not enough to sustain. If you are interested in lasting a lifetime together those things are not enough to get you there.
There will be the initial rush of passion and surge of emotions – and then your love will be over!
If your source is a person you will fail. Your heart will be broken and you will find yourself devastated by marriage.
Where does my love to my husband come from?
In our own strength we cannot love our husbands as we should. Do not be tempted to deceive yourself that feelings are enough to last a lifetime.
The only source that can fuel a lifetime of love is God. The One who perfectly, permanently, and powerfully loves both my husband and me. My love to my husband comes from this Power working in me, not my own will.
I don’t want to leave you feeling that all is lost, because it is not. Here is how you can tap into the source of that perfect love we all need.
Ask God for help daily.
This is simple but effective. Daily and humbly come before the Lord and ask for help. Admit that you cannot love your spouse in your own strength. Situations and conversations will arise during the day. There will be unmet expectations and times that your spouse will disappoint you greatly by not responding as you desire. When this happens, you will need the grace to not lash out at him or even think evil of him. You will need the grace to not take things personally.
As you pray, you will see that God never takes “your side” no matter how hard you try to convince Him to. Instead, He will fill you with His love for your spouse. His love is perfect, permanent, and powerful. He will never reject or stop loving your spouse. You need that love too.
Every time you turn to God, He will fill you with a supernatural, perfect love for your husband. The love you need that will weather the storms of a lifetime of marriage!
What does my husband need from me?
As humans we have four basic needs that must be met in order to make us whole. This was designed by our Creator and it includes our husband’s as well since they are also humans. These needs are acceptance, identity, security, and purpose. For this post we will be focusing on acceptance as it relates to our husbands.
Acceptance – to be really loved constantly, perfectly. Loved for who you really are without having to perform for it. If I want to demonstrate my love to my husband, whole-hearted acceptance of who he is really is the first step.
When you can turn to God and release your spouse from being the source of this love, your marriage will truly change. Your response to hurts will change. Your mind will automatically think, “he’s having a bad day, but there is nothing wrong with me.” You will respond with love and seek to help him, rather than seek revenge when your feelings are hurt.
It really feels wonderful not to depend on people. When you can love someone who is perhaps not loving you it is marvelously freeing! You can do this with God’s love. You can be happily married for a lifetime because of God’s love!
Moving forward.
Many of us have had our hearts broken because we have trusted in people. When we can turn from trusting in people and begin trusting in God as our source of love we will see real progress. When God is your source you will absolutely never run out!
Many of the tools I have collected for building a lifelong marriage were found in books that I have read with intention over the years. I would definitely be remiss if I did not credit one particular book that really helped to make this concept (what does my husband need from me?) more concrete for in my heart and mind. Lifelong Love Affair by Jimmy Evans has really helped to solidify for me my standing in Christ and my role in marriage. I hope you will read it and find practical help and encouragement also as you discover what it takes to make your marriage last for a lifetime.
Now that you know what your husband needs please share with me below the changes you see in your own marriage. I look forward to celebrating with you!